Hiking Meditation: A Poem

What will your story be?

Inspired by my previous post: “Let’s Keep Moving!“, I wrote a poem about how I feel when I hike. I hope I inspire you to find your own unique meditation.

It can be anywhere: the trail you take
If you think about it, the difficulty doesn’t matter
The only constant thing is the anticipation: the feeling of silent preparation you’ve had before
The way your limbs and muscles tense and release when you breathe deeply and your lungs expand,
And then…you feel ready
You see the different sights around you, you have more breathing space
Concentrating on the movement of your legs
Carefully feeling as each step connects to the ground and your feet are gently grounded
The focus is only on the present moment
This is you, in the midst of one piece of Creation
When all is said and done, this is a moment
When you are connected perfectly with Spirit
Nothing can take that away from you
You are always blessed
May every step you take be better than your last
Happy Trails!

If Life Were Like College…

This is what fuels creativity.

If life were like college…sounds like wishful thinking, doesn’t it? Well, for me it’s a vision born from a deep internal need I have for structure and purpose. I realized long ago that the part of me with Asperger’s Syndrome was craving a schedule to live by. Not just busy work or a job that was just that: a job. What I craved most was purpose. Why? Because I lived for years with no clear answers as to what purpose I had in this world. Even when I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, the doors to new possiblities were opened, but I still had many questions that needed answering.

Everything I learned from secondhand sources left me feeling informed but, dissatisfied. I had a great time in college, but I’m in the real world now. I wondered how I could take the best elements of college and apply them to my post-graduation life. Well, I believe there’s a way for me to have the best of both worlds.

Real life can be like college. Everything can be a learning experience and there’s always a chance for lessons to be learned. Of course, if your priorities are out of balance or you’re not really enjoying life, then your experiences probably won’t be very pleasant. I’ve found that it takes a certain amount of childlike wonder combined with a grain of salt, a willingness to learn, and good old-fashioned hope to really make the most of this life.

I’ve felt this way ever since I learned about the difficult odds facing people with Autism. According to http://www.autismnow.org, only 32.5% of young adults with autism spectrum disorders currently work for pay. Gainful employment and purpose are hard to come by for Aspies, so it’s no surprise that I didn’t have a clear vision of what I wanted to be after graduation. I took a leap of faith when I started this blog, and it turns out that my faith was justified.

My primary purpose turned out to be that of an educator with a unique background, qualified to show the world one person’s experience of living on the Autism Spectrum, a Lesson Plan for Life. Not universal by any means, but offering a unique insight into how someone born on the Spectrum can rise above preconceived notions and live a full and engaged life. Just like college classes, it hasn’t been easy, and some days are better than others. However, just like all of my student experiences, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Instead of meeting at the campus quad, I can meet at my favorite coffee house, or even in someone’s living room! A classroom can be found anywhere there’s a meeting of the minds. Conventions and seminars are a perfect opportunity to meet other potential like-minded students of life. Brainstorming solutions for problems in the world can be a great life project that can be rewarding if drive and passion are present. There are different possibilities to what can be accomplished; each one is different, based on the different dreams, goals, and visions of people.

My vision of a world where people on the Autism Spectrum are welcomed with respect and tolerance is becoming a reality, thanks to discoveries and lessons I’ve learned. I feel like I’m showing the world an example of what Aspies can contribute to this world. Now, I wonder…do you believe that there are exciting new ways to learn about the world that will make you feel like you’re back in college? Are you curious as to how you can teach the world something from your heart that makes you feel alive with passion and purpose? If you had the chance to share something you learned, what would be your Lesson Plan for Life?

Today’s musical inspiration is one of my favorite Rock and Roll anthems: an electrifying standard by Queen: “Don’t Stop Me Now”- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM

In My Life

Every day is a gift & so are the people in my life. -Anthony

People in my life have influenced me since I was born, and the impact has been good, bad, and everything in between. Truthfully, it’s often difficult for people on the Autism Spectrum to appreciate or even understand the influence others have on them; even some neuro-typical people may not realize it. What I do understand is that my outlook on life has been enriched in lots of ways. I could write many posts about all the people in my life, but it’s better for me to articulate what I know for sure through the stages of my Autism Spectrum journey.

From the time I was little to when I started community college, I experienced the highs and lows of learning to be in social situations. Where most neuro-typicals easily learn how to socialize, my social awkwardness kept me from having real friends until I was in high school. Then I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at fifteen and began to understand just how different and special I was. I owe a debt of gratitude to those people who stood in my corner and helped me to discover an important part of myself. By knowing myself better, I felt like I could devote more attention to learning how to be a true friend.

When I was in community college and I transferred to a university, my world views were honed and developed, but that’s when my classmates became something more. Years before, I didn’t know how to talk to or deal with other kids in my class; the college dynamic changed all of that. Because I had a better sense of self and maybe because I wasn’t competing for attention from the teachers, classmates became the people I practiced learning about the workplace with. Working on different projects and bouncing ideas off of each other during class helped me discover that with the right partners and the proper motivation, I could be an asset to a team.

My closest friends and family are the ones who I can open up to and trust with my life. I’ve experienced disappointment, of course. That was because I used to hold some people in such high regard that I felt let down when I learned about their frailties and mistakes. Still, I learned that there are some people I can love from a distance in order to stay away from their negativity, as well as preserve my own sanity. Sadly, there are a few people in my life who are no longer living. Even though I may have lost touch with people, or lost their presence in this world, once in a while I still remember how they made my life a little sunnier with just their presence. They may not be with me physically, but in my heart I can still feel them.

I’ve realized that every person you meet comes into your life for a reason. No matter how large or small their impact, you are changed forever. It wasn’t easy, but I learned to appreciate every person who comes into my life, because I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. The gratitude I have cannot be put into words, but to know that it’s in my heart is worth the joy, pain, relief, and grace that I’ve found with this important life lesson. Now I ask you: who’s made an impact in your life? Have you learned to be grateful, even for the negative experiences? Where are you with your own relationships? I hope that you take time to ponder that. You might experience what happened to me and discover something amazing you never would have thought possible.

Today’s musical inspiration is a wonderfully appropriate song by the Beatles: “In My Life”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zicw_dVwhfM

Twelve Years Later…Hope Lives On

May we all be grateful for our country.

“Every day is a new chance at living.”

Hi, everyone. On this, the twelfth anniversary of the terrible event that was September 11th, I am taking the opportunity to post a special message: I am grateful to be alive, in good health, living in America, and having the support and encouragement to pursue my dream of being a voice for people on the Autism Spectrum. No matter what happens along the way and no matter what acts of cruelty and hatred are perpetrated against me or anybody else, I will always have hope that we as a human race can be better than we ever thought possible. May we learn and grow because of adversity, rather than in spite of it. America will always be strong this way, and so will humanity. As a good friend of mine once said, “be of good courage”.

Triple “A”!

Hi, everyone! It’s been a long time since my last post, but when you don’t have a direction to go in, you don’t have inspiration to write. But I’m here, and I’m not going to be talking about the Automobile Club! No, I’m talking about how I was able refocus and reenergize my creative spirit.

A lot of great things happened to me last month; each one is a post unto itself. However, I can sum it up in three words: Acceptance, Aspiration, and Appreciation. Each word describes actions that I’ve taken on my journey with Autism, but I’ve noticed a significant difference this summer. Every action I’ve taken has brought me small successes that are adding up to larger ones. I’m not sure what they’ll be, but they will be greater than I can imagine.

“Acceptance” is defined as “the act of receiving willingly, answering affirmatively, and regarding as proper or true”. Lately I find myself at peace with life and that gives me the contentment of living one day at a time. I feel that the present moments are the best things for me to focus on. I’ve come to accept a new role as my mom’s protegé in our family business: “San Diego Scan and Share”. There were very few opportunities that inspired me when I graduated college. So, I decided that if I couldn’t find an opportunity, I’d make one instead! It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. By expressing my desire to move forward, I was able to help jump-start this business and so far we’ve completed two projects. I look forward to being a part of the creative process.

“Aspiration” means “a strong desire for achievement; an ambition”. I’ve felt an aspiration to reach out to more people when I’m at conventions. I’ve gone to “geek” conventions since I was fresh out of high school. It wasn’t until I started writing this blog and speaking up about having Asperger’s Syndrome that I discovered a golden opportunity to get the word out about myself and what I stand for. I also realized that I’d be able to help others because of how I aspire to grow our family business so that we’ll be able to employ people on the Spectrum. I believe that San Diego Scan and Share is a chance to give other “Aspies” what they need most of all: courage, dignity, a sense of purpose, and respect. This will be more than a job opportunity, this will be a business that redefines what it means to live with Autism. My greatest aspiration is to be a positive force for change and evolution for people living on the Autism Spectrum.

“Appreciation” is described as “to recognize the quality, significance, or magnitude of. To be fully aware of; to realize and to be thankful for”. I’ve learned to appreciate a lot of different things on my journey with Autism, including the power of connection. I’ve had several different people provide me with different perspectives on things I thought I knew. By taking in their words with a grain of salt, I continue to grow and learn while remembering who I am at my core. Some of my best lessons come from unexpected sources; it took me a long time to learn how to appreciate the wisdom that was gained, but I am grateful that I’m open to learning it.

I couldn’t have come as far as I have now without taking action and rearranging my perspectives with these three “A” words. As San Diego Scan and Share grows, I’ll use my blog to promote it with our mission statement. As I continue to grow on my journey, I hope to continue touching people’s lives with my words and observations of life with Asperger’s Syndrome. I’m glad to be writing once again; I’ve found my rhythm and I thank you for all of your support and encouragement.

Today’s musical inspiration is Gloria Estefan with “Rhythm is Gonna Get You”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A7CVrBFC7M

I Can See Clearly Now!

You know, it’s more than just a song title; it’s a state of being that I’ve been experiencing for the past few months.  Have you ever felt like something finally made sense long after you learned it? Did you learn a lesson but didn’t give it a second thought until a certain moment opened your eyes?  How amazing was it when it happened, and how did your life change after that?  Well, I can’t really put it into words how my life’s changed unless I use this famous R&B hit by Johnny Nash to help me do so.

The cool, upbeat guitar chords give a springy quality to the song as it begins.  “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.  I can see all obstacles in my way.  Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.  It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright), sun-shiny day“.  I feel like the storm that was pushing against me has abated because I became too strong to hold down.  Of course, that doesn’t mean there won’t be other problems later on.  Now I can anticipate things that are good, bad, or indifferent and I will find the good in any situation once the initial reaction has passed.  It feels so good to have a clear frame of mind; I don’t know where I’m going, but I know how I’m getting there!

The second verse reminds me of my journey with Autism.  “I think I can make it now, the pain is gone; all of the bad feelings have disappeared.  Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for!  It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright), sun-shiny day“.  My negative feelings don’t cripple me anymore.  All I have to do is let them run their course and I’ll feel better afterwards.  The bridge is an outburst of joy as Johnny invites people to see the beauty of a world filled with hope.  It certainly fills me with hope!  “Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies!  Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies!“.  The first verse repeats one more time and brings home the positive feeling.  By the end, I can’t help but be in a good mood.  This classic song has taken on new meaning for me in the past few months.

Everything I’ve learned from Autism support groups, self-improvement seminars, family and friends, and life in general has begun making a lot of sense to me.  I have a much clearer feeling of purpose, but more than that, I’m now consistent with my actions.  The more actions I take, the easier it is to work toward a fuller and richer life.  With the steps I’ve taken to start a new family business called San Diego Scan and Share, it’s only a matter of time before my blog and the business are linked to each other.  Stay tuned for updates as our business gets off the ground.  Each experience is unique and a post in and of itself, but this song says exactly what I feel today.  My life has just begun and I really can see clearly now!

Listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FscIgtDJFXg

One Day at a Time

Every day is a new chance at living.

Have you ever heard the phrase “one day at a time”?  If you have, what does it mean to you?  Is it something you heard in passing from a good friend? Do you remember it from being witness to meetings in a 12-step program?  Well, I’ve noticed that a lot of people have some connection to it.  Generally, the feeling is that life is rarely the same every day: the past is gone and the future is uncertain, so all we have is the one present day that we can do with it as we like.  Of course I can’t speak for other people, but I know in my heart why I appreciate this phrase.  It’s because my life on the Autism Spectrum was also reflected in dealing with my own addictions.

If you didn’t know already, I’ve had to deal with some addictions that further complicated my life.  I was already a TV junkie and an over-eater when I received my Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis at fifteen.  Dealing with these problems as well as anxiety and depression was a real challenge, but I did catch some breaks.  I was fortunate enough to have counselors to guide me and information on Autism that was constantly updating.  I needed to take prescription drugs as well, and they did help, but there were some difficult days ahead as I came into my own.

I was forced to confront the truth that I had some very poor eating habits and very little physical activity to counteract them.  When I began gaining control over those problems, I was able to confront the fact that I was losing sleep to a video game addiction.  As I put away the games and focused on more important parts of my life, I noticed more doors begin to open because I was able to become engaged in life.  A sense of pride that I never knew existed began to grow inside me and I felt like I was really living.

The more I understood myself, the more I understood how people with other addictions even worse than mine were in the midst of the same struggles.  I was coming to terms with the condition that I was born with while at the same time admitting the addictions that I had.  I began to notice that there was a correlation between the addiction healing process and my journey with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Basically, I was learning to deal with life one day at a time!

These similarities brought home the reality that I needed to appreciate the present moment because it’s all the time I have.  It’s important to remember the lessons of the past and be mindful of the future, but there’s always the here and now to be experienced.  Each decision that I made was part of a collection of lessons that I learned daily and used to make each day worth living.  Accepting the fact that I have Asperger’s Syndrome has made it easier to live day-by-day with authenticity.

It hasn’t been easy, of course; just like a true person with addictions, I know that managing the problem is a daily task.  I would be a fool to think that the problems are gone like yesterday’s news.  There’s all kinds of challenges and rewards ahead and I’m in constant preparation to deal with them.  Looking on the bright side, this has encouraged me to lead a more engaged and present life.

I’m grateful for all the life skills I’ve developed over the years.  I have the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change my circumstances and create opportunity, and the wisdom to perceive the differences.  The visions I have are more focused and my purpose in life is much clearer.  Every past day has turned into weeks, months, and years of important lessons that I use to move forward.  It feels amazing to be engaged and present, and I do it by taking my life one day at a time.

Behind the Armor

The life-size Iron Man armors at San Diego Comic-Con 2010. (Photo taken by me.)

Who knew that pop culture could play a big part in my “Aspie” life?  I remember the first time I saw an iconic character on film; it really stuck with me.  The truth is that I’ve had more than my share of insightful moments in pop culture and I could continue speaking about them unabated, but that would turn most “normal” people off.  My point is that there are fictional characters that I’ve been able to relate to in some way.  One of the most famous in the “geek-centered” world of comic books, video games, and superheroes is one whose humanity made me look at myself in a whole new way.

The character I’m talking about is Anthony Edward Stark, better known as Iron Man.  Of course, the first thing I noticed was that he shared the same first name as me.  Now there may be a tendency for some men to turn into fan-boys when talking about someone as famous and possessing of swagger as Tony Stark, but my admiration for him comes from the way he became more human & less egotistical after the incident that made him into Iron Man.  When I read about his origins in the different permutations written in different decades, I could see the meaning between the lines.  I first learned about Iron Man when I was in high school; as I was embracing my geeky side I looked into his story a bit more.

He used to be the ambitious, brilliant, but self-centered head of Stark Industries, founded by his father.  While visiting a war zone he is the only survivor of an enemy ambush that kills his escort of American soldiers. Tony is taken prisoner by the enemy, who force him to build a deadly weapon with his knowledge.  He discovers, with the help of an imprisoned professor, that the explosion that killed the Americans has left pieces of shrapnel in his chest that threaten to pierce his heart.  The professor helps Tony construct a life-saving device that enables him to finish his creation: the first prototype of the Iron Man armor.  Even though the professor sacrifices himself in the process, his death enables Tony to destroy the enemy and escape back to American-held territory.

From then on Tony becomes an advocate for science that brings health and abundance to the world.  It is then that he discovers that this brave new world has both challenges and rewards.  While battling villains around the world and within his own life, he begins to slide into a state of denial about what he uses to cope with pressure.  For me this was a pivotal moment in his story: he was a textbook alcoholic leaning on liquor, desperately hoping to forget the pressures of his life.  Only the intervention of his closest friends and family enables him to get the help he needs to gain control of his addiction.

It was this story about Tony Stark’s insecurities that made me respect his character even more.  As I grew older I speculated about him having Asperger’s Syndrome.  He has an almost genius level intelligence and a natural skill for electronics and engineering.  These talents cannot disguise his tendency towards addictive behavior and a sharp tongue in social situations.  How he gained his well-deserved reputation as a womanizer is still a puzzle to me, but what really changed my perspective was the story arc of the early 1980s entitled “Demon in a Bottle”.

Several different events would push Tony towards drinking liquor very often.  When he slumps into his desk chair, pouring over scrapbooks and newspapers, the look of bitter reflection over a life that he once held together is a look I’ve seen my own mirror.  Just to know that there are factors in life that cannot be controlled is enough to make someone used to being in charge of their own life feel like caving into pressure.  That feeling can be even more pronounced in people on the Autism Spectrum.  You know the feeling you get when your life is so out of your hands you feel powerless?  That is a constant, nagging problem that can take hold of someone on the Spectrum and last for long time without support.  When the moment came for Tony Stark to be confronted with his alcoholism, it was done in such an honest and personal way that I’ve read it over and over again.

When his girlfriend tells him about how she lost her first husband in a car accident after months of him abusing prescription pills Tony says that he’s sorry for what happened. She rebuffs Tony and tells him that she doesn’t need his pity, she just needs him to listen.  He was going down a dark path; the same one that led to the death of her husband, only Tony’s choice of a slow death was alcohol instead of prescription drugs.  He may have been carrying the weight of the world, but he had forgotten about his closest friends and employees who could help him carry that weight.  All he had to do was to remember that he could lean on the people he loved instead of using liquor as a crutch.  It was a moment that stays with me today: Tony Stark made the decision to put away the alcohol and be vulnerable for once in his life.

Every time I read that story arc, it is a sobering reminder of my own humanity.  When I look at Tony Stark’s face as the pressures of his life and the words of his girlfriend collide in his mind, I can feel the desperation as he holds the half-full glass of liquor in one trembling hand.  Even as setbacks start to jeopardize his journey to sobriety, Tony becomes strong enough to put down the bottle and begin climbing out of the hole that his addiction had dug for him.

Watching the agony and terror overtake him as he stands at a crossroads is reminiscent of the times when I could not seem to find hope in my worst moments.  It’s a sickening feeling when you realize how out-of-control an addiction has made your life.  My own problems with poor diet and video games were definitely addictions; it took a lot of courage and insight to admit that I inherited the gene of addiction that runs in my family.  For someone on the Spectrum, it’s easy to be self-absorbed while not necessarily being self-aware.

Seeing Robert Downey Jr. cast as Tony Stark in the Iron Man and Avengers movies was a well thought-out move.  Using a skilled and versatile actor with his own real-life struggles was a great way of keeping Iron Man relevant and bringing new life to the franchise.  Apart from enjoying the movies, I was impressed at how human Tony was when played by Robert Downey Jr.

The power and humanity of Iron Man has had a significant impact on my own self-awareness.  It’s taken me a long time to open up to my friends and family about my own struggles, but the strength I gained from doing so made the effort worth it.  I feel like “Aspies” such as myself are forced to put on an armor of our own making to protect ourselves from a world that doesn’t understand.  However, it takes real courage and vulnerability to be open and honest so that the world can see the person behind the armor.

What Dreams Are Made Of

I’m sure that you’ve heard the word “dream” being used carelessly at times, I have as well.  I’ve heard it applied to many different situations, but something inside of me was always drawn back to my own meaning.  I now ask you this:  What does the word “dream” mean to you?  Has the definition changed throughout your life?  What dreams do you have now, versus when you were a kid?  Have you made them happen?

Well, for me the definition has evolved from when I was a little boy.  I still have dreams that were born in my early days of living unaware of my difference from “normal” people.  However as the saying goes: the only thing constant is change.  Much has changed in my life since I was little, but there are some dreams and desires that have withstood the test of time.

When I was little, I wanted to be different things when I grew up.  I loved watching the superhero and crime fighting cartoons on weekends, so I thought I could be a police officer.  I felt a love of transportation that I still have to this day.  From when I was eight until I turned fifteen, I wanted to be either a train engineer, the captain of a ship, or an airplane pilot.

As I entered middle school, I felt happy when I was singing in a choir.  Before I knew it, I was into the magic of music, and I had hoped to make a living by creating it.  I started taking the piano lessons that I had stopped taking when I was in first grade.  I felt like I was heading in a good direction, but things don’t always work out as planned.

I struggled for the first few years of community college.  My lack of focus, and my coming to terms with the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome forced me to reevaluate what direction I was going towards.  This is not to say that I was inactive at the time: this was when I was getting most of the counseling I needed to find out who I really was.

It was also this time that I was forming a dream around a girl that I knew.  We met online and declared our love to each other.  After nearly two years, I could see myself proposing to her.  But deep inside I knew that something was changing, and I was afraid to admit it.  On our final night, a conversation between us devolved into an emotional downward spiral and she attacked me personally.  It was then I realized that my dream of a life with her was over.  It was clear that we were leading very different lives and we weren’t being honest with each other.

I am glad that my dream for me and her ended, otherwise I would have continued living a lie because I was so desperate to be in love with someone.  I was afraid to give up this dream, but I knew I had to in order to let go of a wounded past.  Yet, I would eventually learn that dreams never really die, they are simply deferred.  I’ve learned that just because I broke up with someone, doesn’t mean I have to give up my dream.  On the contrary: this experience has taught me how to give all of myself to the woman who I was meant to be with.  It’ll take time for it to grow, but the romantic in me will always be hopeful.

During my transition to Cal State San Marcos, I began to refocus my direction into another method of creativity.  I discovered that the Literature & Writing department was well-renowned.  After much deliberation, I decided to pursue a degree in Literature with a writing emphasis.  I enrolled at San Marcos in 2008 and began my path to a writing career.  It was in May of 2011 that I finally earned my Bachelor of Arts degree.

So, one dream came true, and I needed to find a new one to fill the space left open.  It took a while for me to gain momentum, but now I have a clarity about what my purpose is, and what actions must be taken for me to fulfill it.  In my heart, I know that I just…”get it”.  I mean, I know the score about what life really can be when I apply my strengths.  I’ve felt that ever since this year began, I have been more focused and in tune with the world, and know what I have to do.

The truth is that all my life I’ve believed that I wasn’t meant to live with labels defining me.  I knew that I wanted to be an example of someone using their own strengths and weaknesses to defy the odds and conventional wisdom.  I truly felt that when I was doing what needed to be done with passion and commitment, I would be a success on my own terms.  So much so that everything I would achieve could never be taken away.  Yes, I was born with Asperger’s Syndrome and I knew that it explained a lot about me, but it didn’t tell my entire story.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my writing and voice are to be used as a force for positive change in this world.

Today, I’m writing more than just a blog.  I am branching out into writing a novel by using the skills I picked up in high school and college.  Ever since I looked into the Steampunk aesthetic, I found myself being drawn to the speculation of a steam-powered alternate history.  I discovered a few gaps in the market for novels and ideas, but I’ll save that topic for another post.

The point is that I am using my imagination and the thrill I get doing research into something that intrigues me.  I am currently looking into different sources to gather information about historical events so that I have a solid framework to speculate on and go from there.

So, what does this dream mean to me?  Well, it goes to the definition of what it means to me.  A dream is an inspired idea that is born in the mind and also touches the heart.  It is different from a goal, because a goal is the outcome of a plan, while a dream is the overall vision of the heart and mind blended into one.  My dream is to somehow be recognized for my natural talents.  My vision is to become a perfect example of someone on the Autism Spectrum who can show parents and children that the future can be alive with hope and possibility to alleviate the insecurity and worry that often comes with a Spectrum diagnosis.

I have learned to dream in stages, and have an action plan for making it a reality.  I’ve also learned that a vision can come to fruition no matter how long it takes.  After seeing my parents work for a majority of my life in jobs that were just stepping-stones to them, I learned that it’s never too late to follow your passions.  Today they work in careers they’re proud of, and I couldn’t be prouder or happier for them both.

Today, I am happy and proud to say that my dream is to keep growing this blog.  I also want to have my novel published and have it be the first of many more to come.  I believe that by continuing on this path, I will show the world that even for those with challenges, dreams do come true.  I know what needs to be done, and I’m enjoying the journey.

The Only Thing Constant…

“Change is good”, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, “Why change a good thing?”, “How times have changed…”.  I’m sure you’ve heard any of these phrases at one time or another.  They may ring true at times, but they can be very cliché.  However, if you don’t know already, the process of change and evolution proves to be even more of a challenge to people on the Autism Spectrum.

Let me ask you this: what kind of monumental changes have you seen in your life?  Were they good, bad, or indifferent?  Can you imagine what it feels like to be taken away from everything you know, knowing that you could never go back?  Can you imagine living in fear of this happening on a daily basis?

This fear is felt by children on the Autism Spectrum, as well as their families.  Sadly, the overwhelming amount of uncertainty for parents of spectrum children can often lead to divorce, or at the very least, separation.  For parents, a diagnosis  of Autism may open up a world of uncertainty; it may be the death of the dreams they had for their children.

As you may or may not know, children born on the Autism Spectrum need predictability, routine, and structure in their lives in order to achieve some sense of normalcy. If anything causes disruption, the Spectrum child can suffer agitation, temper tantrums, and even severe emotional meltdowns. When I was little, I was not immune.  My own experiences have been difficult; I’d be lying if I said they weren’t.

The first major change in my life was my parents’ divorce.  I was 5 going on 6 when this occurred.  I used to dwell on what could have been or should have been done because I was desperate for answers as only a child and later a teenager would be.

The second major change was finding out just how flawed my relatives are.  Not everyone brings a positive vibe to meet-ups and gatherings. Now, this was an internal change on my part, based on my own perception. It didn’t come to me all at once, but as it came, it was another growing pain that I had no way of avoiding.

While I was accepting the human frailties of my relatives, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome as a teenager. This was an important event, because I no longer lived in doubt about what was wrong with me; at last, my mother and I had some answers.

I used to live in fear of the label of Asperger’s before I found the courage to turn my diagnosis into a positive circumstance after going to several conferences. Knowing about the tools that were finally available was a huge relief for Mom, and a reassurance for me, realizing that I had ways to ensure that there would always be a way to advocate for myself in the neuro-typical world.

The next great life-changing event that occurred was the first time I ever went to the San Diego Comic-Con in 2001. I spoke of this in one of my early posts in great detail. The reason this was so significant was that I had never gone to such a large event and felt like I belonged.  I was washed over with the uplifting feeling of being in a place that felt like home. For an Aspie, feelings of belonging can be few and far between. Because it was so life-changing for me, I had to get the feeling back again, so that was the beginning of embracing my geekdom.

Some very bittersweet moments for me were the days that I ended the only two serious relationships I’ve ever been in. I mean, to have experienced what it was like to be loved by a woman is something that a lot of male aspies just die inside from every day they don’t have it. Even though they didn’t work out in the end, I made a conscious decision to take what I had learned from those experiences and become even more open to love.

Lately, I’ve had an uplifting of my inner being in a way I haven’t felt since I was exposed to the world of Autism Advocacy.  In a nutshell, I am finally “getting it”.  What does that mean?  Well, for me, it means that all the advice that I picked up from school teachers, college professors, spiritual leaders, humanists, and my family has begun to resonate with me like never before.

Now, I don’t know if this is an Aspie thing or just a human habit, but I’ve been feeling like I didn’t completely understand all the ideas I’ve learned in my life.  However, thanks to an insightful connection I made between mind, body, soul, and action, I had a moment of brilliant clarity.

As of this month, it has been one year since I graduated college.  After a couple of false starts and a heart-to-heart talk with each of my parents, I feel like I have gained insight that has enabled me to do a lot of what I couldn’t do before.  Long story short, I am consistent with my fitness regimen, I continue to eat very well, I’ve become more consistent and thoughtful with my blog, and I am reaching out to meet people with confidence and pride.

As I’ve said before, I don’t claim to speak for all people on the Spectrum, I’m merely telling the story of my own experiences growing up with Asperger’s Syndrome.  There is no guarantee that what happened in my life will happen in another Spectrum child’s life, but I hope that with this story, I can inspire hope that negative feelings will pass, lessons will be learned, and how you chose to view a change in your life is entirely up to you.  I’m proud to be where I am now, and I hope that other aspies learn to feel the same way in their own lives.