Let’s Keep Moving!

“I’ve Got to Keep on Moving!”-Matthew Wilder

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned how being active has alleviated the worst parts of my Asperger’s Syndrome and helped me eliminate the need for prescription anti-anxiety and anti-depression drugs. I’m very happy to say that I’m not only maintaining this lifestyle, but I’ve found new ways to keep myself healthy and vital. It’s a gradual process because I still need to take small steps to change my established routines, but I have a variety of activities that don’t feel like chores at all.

I believe it all starts with perspective. Some people still don’t realize how Aspies can be very sensitive to disruptions in routine. Generally, the lower functioning the person, the more likely they will act out in nonverbal, hard-to-understand ways. Even though I have High-Functioning Autism, I’ve still had my moments of vocal protest.

Can you imagine being so sensitive to disruptions in your surroundings that you become gripped by paralyzing fear and heart-pounding stress? Think of a high-stress, no-relief day with no end in sight and no way to communicate how you feel! This is what can happen to someone living with Autism on a daily basis!

Fortunately, with years of counseling, specialized therapy, and a strong support system, I developed coping skills like using different activities that not only boost my physical health, but also improve my mental health and well-being. I feel like physical fitness starts with improving the body and evolves into strengthening the mind and soul. Everyone including those on the Spectrum can benefit from variety, it just takes time to find out what works best.

Some activities I learned to enjoy with time, and others I took an instant liking to. I’ve written about the different exercise tapes and DVDs that got me started on my fitness journey. Since then, I’ve also utilized my membership at a local gym. One of my favorite activities is playing the Dance Dance Revolution arcade game and the different dancing games for Xbox 360 and Kinect. They give me a fun workout and an adrenaline rush that lifts my spirits to new heights! I’ve talked about this extensively in a previous post entitled “You Should Be Dancing”

In the past two years I’ve developed an interest in hiking, which used to be out of character for me, I didn’t really consider myself an outdoor person. There is such a centering, affirming quality to hiking. Looking for different trails and walking a path in the midst of nature is a great way to clear my mind. When I focus on where I plant my feet, I’m reminded of the spiritual strength that comes from walking meditation. I regain a clear perspective on life, and that’s worth feeling tired at the end.

At the gym, I take advantage of the special classes that are offered. I’ve found the most energy, excitement, and sweat equity in cycling and kickboxing. Doing the early classes helps my day to start off in a positive way, and that’s something, considering that I never used to be a morning person!

I participate in several runs for charity each year: perfect opportunities to test my fitness level in the real world. I’ve also discovered farmer’s markets, museums, parks, and outdoor festivals are great not only for walking, but for socializing as well. It may not seem like much, but I enjoy living in the moment.

I’ve come a long way from the boy who was afraid of P.E. and ate junk food to hide his insecurities. I’m more alive and youthful than I was in high school! Now, what kind of activities keep you in motion? How long have you enjoyed them, and do they lift your spirits? Everyone’s at a different place in their journeys, and I’m just glad to be in the place I am today with the ability to keep moving!

Today’s musical inspiration is a fun little ditty from the 1980s by Matthew Wilder: “Break My Stride“

In My Life

Every day is a gift & so are the people in my life. -Anthony

People in my life have influenced me since I was born, and the impact has been good, bad, and everything in between. Truthfully, it’s often difficult for people on the Autism Spectrum to appreciate or even understand the influence others have on them; even some neuro-typical people may not realize it. What I do understand is that my outlook on life has been enriched in lots of ways. I could write many posts about all the people in my life, but it’s better for me to articulate what I know for sure through the stages of my Autism Spectrum journey.

From the time I was little to when I started community college, I experienced the highs and lows of learning to be in social situations. Where most neuro-typicals easily learn how to socialize, my social awkwardness kept me from having real friends until I was in high school. Then I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at fifteen and began to understand just how different and special I was. I owe a debt of gratitude to those people who stood in my corner and helped me to discover an important part of myself. By knowing myself better, I felt like I could devote more attention to learning how to be a true friend.

When I was in community college and I transferred to a university, my world views were honed and developed, but that’s when my classmates became something more. Years before, I didn’t know how to talk to or deal with other kids in my class; the college dynamic changed all of that. Because I had a better sense of self and maybe because I wasn’t competing for attention from the teachers, classmates became the people I practiced learning about the workplace with. Working on different projects and bouncing ideas off of each other during class helped me discover that with the right partners and the proper motivation, I could be an asset to a team.

My closest friends and family are the ones who I can open up to and trust with my life. I’ve experienced disappointment, of course. That was because I used to hold some people in such high regard that I felt let down when I learned about their frailties and mistakes. Still, I learned that there are some people I can love from a distance in order to stay away from their negativity, as well as preserve my own sanity. Sadly, there are a few people in my life who are no longer living. Even though I may have lost touch with people, or lost their presence in this world, once in a while I still remember how they made my life a little sunnier with just their presence. They may not be with me physically, but in my heart I can still feel them.

I’ve realized that every person you meet comes into your life for a reason. No matter how large or small their impact, you are changed forever. It wasn’t easy, but I learned to appreciate every person who comes into my life, because I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. The gratitude I have cannot be put into words, but to know that it’s in my heart is worth the joy, pain, relief, and grace that I’ve found with this important life lesson. Now I ask you: who’s made an impact in your life? Have you learned to be grateful, even for the negative experiences? Where are you with your own relationships? I hope that you take time to ponder that. You might experience what happened to me and discover something amazing you never would have thought possible.

Today’s musical inspiration is a wonderfully appropriate song by the Beatles: “In My Life”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zicw_dVwhfM

Merry Christmas to All!

Merry Christmas with Love & Hope!

On this beautiful Christmas night, I have a special message to all who have supported me this year and all who have recently started viewing this blog. I wish you all Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. I’m grateful for your support and encouragement, and I hope your Christmas has been full of love and togetherness with your loved ones. I share with you peace and blessings for the coming year and I share with you my hope that we will grow together on our own journeys. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas with love for everyone.

Here’s a special present from me to you! It’s a beautiful rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy” by one of my favorite music groups: Pentatonix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc5qePnxg2g

Happy Christmas Eve!

“Every day is a new chance at living.”

Hi, everyone! With Christmas Eve here, I just want to take time to thank all of you who have supported me for the past couple of years. It’s true that I haven’t had any new posts in a month, but even I’m not immune to the onrush of winter holiday events. As you all carry out whatever plans you’ve made for Christmas, I just want to say Thank You for your support and energy to keep bringing my message of hope to the world. I’ll see you on Christmas day with some very special blessings. Have a great Christmas Eve. Be safe and joyful.

Love,
Anthony

Gathering Gratitude

A Happy Thanksgiving to all who have supported me!

Hello to all of my supporters! On this beautiful day, I want to wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving and many blessings to your families and friends. No matter what happens, any day that I wake up and live a fully engaged life is a great one. I hope that all of learn to feel the same gratitude that I have learned to embrace on my own journey with Autism. May we all be appreciative for what we have. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I give thanks for your continued support.

The Gift of Time

Every day is a gift.

With many holidays approaching, I’m just like a lot of people wondering about what gifts they’re going to purchase for whom. Truthfully, I have a pretty short list of people I’m closest to, but I love feeling like it’s the quality of the relationships rather than quantity. Like many people, I’ve puzzled over what to purchase as gifts. However, thanks to my growing self-awareness and my advances in intuition and empathy, I’ve learned how to give something valuable to the people on my list. What I’ve learned to give them…is time. What do I mean? Well, I mean quality time and an opportunity to connect.

There’s no denying that today, we live in an age of distraction. Electronic devices, jobs, family, and friends all compete for our attention and drive so many of us to nervous insanity; this is nothing new to me. I believe that when I was very young, my heightened sensory perception, a common side-effect of Autism, led me to being more prone to distraction and subsequent frustration afterwards.

I could see the writing on the wall, and I knew something had to be done. I knew I was different before I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at fifteen, and I wanted to explain myself, but I couldn’t. After my diagnosis, I chose not to believe that I was a “typical” case in any way. I was determined to overcome the challenges and find a way to use my gifts to embrace who I am at heart.

It hasn’t been easy or fast in coming. I had to learn a lot about patience and understanding before I gained the confidence to be present and happy with myself. Personally, I think multitasking is overrated and I couldn’t do it to save my life! By trusting the process, I learned that I was ahead of the curve when I gained a new coping skill for daily life and was better prepared when new technology and jobs made the world both more connected and more distracted. I trust such things as blogs and social media, but my life is not defined by them. For me, human connection is too precious to take for granted; I welcome all opportunities to test my ever-evolving social skills.

An added bonus I gained was an ability to be observant of people’s needs and desires and to take action with them when possible. This enabled me to buy gifts that were sincere and from my heart. I enjoy giving people a chance to reconnect and just be present with one another. Whatever the situation and relationship is, in my heart, I find a way to make it work. What matters most is that I made a difference in people’s lives and my greatest satisfaction is their gratitude and appreciation.

I’ve come a long way since my diagnosis. It’s not common for people on the Autism Spectrum to relate to “neuro-typicals” on a deep level. I have been blessed to be able to find a way to be socially competent while staying true to myself at the same time. To give something to a friend or family member that is from the heart is like being the vessel for a small blessing from God to reach the hands of someone in need. I’m blessed and grateful to give such precious gifts to those I love. For me, this is what the holiday spirit is all about.

Starting Over

“Starting Over”: that simple two-word phrase that’s just loaded with meanings and connotations.  The first thing that may come to mind is when a person suffers a tragic event in their life and has to “start life all over again”.  One does not have to go through a big terrible event or even rebuild their entire life from scratch.  You may wonder “isn’t that what always happens to someone when they have a mid-life crisis?”  Hardly!  You don’t have to let half your life pass by before feeling like you need to change.  Hell, you don’t even need to live a quarter of your life to make readjustments!  I believe there’s a cycle to life and that we each have the power to determine our quality of that life.  It isn’t completely dictated by chronological age, it comes in chapters during different ages and many of them happen at the same time.

With the help of this blog, I’ve made my life an open book.  I’ve started many new chapters and ended many others; sometimes the changes are sudden, sometimes they’re gradual.  I recognize the moment when a certain chapter of my life has closed and a new one has begun.  I wonder if being aware of these transitions is just an Aspie thing or a part of human nature.

As a little boy I was told that I could sing, but I didn’t know what it meant until third grade when I was persuaded to join the elementary school choir.  From that point on, music was always present in my life.  I knew that singing and performing on stage was a great source of joy that rested at the core of my being.  This is a part of me that will never be done until I’m ready to leave this world.  Music is so important to me that I can’t imagine living my life without it.

When I graduated from one school and entered a new one, that was one chapter ending and a new one beginning.  For a while I didn’t know what the next chapter would be after I graduated college but after talking it over with Mom and Dad, I believed that I could make a difference with my words, and soon this blog was born as my next chapter of growth and learning.  I feel like humans should never stop growing and learning when they’re out of school; if you stop wanting to, you’ll miss out on some great experiences.

When I was in community college, I realized that music was not a viable option to make a living.  The pivotal moment came when I was preparing to transfer to a nearby university.  One day, I met a woman at an Autism conference who told me about a university that was farther away, but with smaller class sizes and a youthful dynamic well-suited for someone like me on the Autism Spectrum.  I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for that meeting, I never would have considered moving out, renting my own apartment, and changing my major from Music to Literature.  Funny how a chance meeting can close one chapter and open another at the same time!

By far, one of the most important moments of my life happened when I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.  I received the formal diagnosis when I was fifteen, less than one year into high school.  From that moment on, my hazy feeling of living unaware began to disappear.  I took that first step into the larger world of life on the Autism Spectrum by first coming to terms with what it meant.  Gradually, I learned to speak up as I acquired the knowledge and language with which to explain myself.  Today I advocate for myself, but look forward to the day when I begin to advocate for other “Aspies” on a larger scale.

My chapters about love are…complex to say the least.  In my family, I used to look at my relatives as special and they could do no wrong.  As I got older I began to notice how some their words and actions didn’t feel right to me.  Thanks to my network of supportive family and friends, I have come to terms with their flaws, frailties, and differences.  I have turned a page and learned to love them, but some of them I have to love from a distance to avoid being baited into drama and negativity.

I was with a special woman for two years; we were each other’s first real love.  When I realized that we were leading very different lives, I was forced to end our relationship.  For nearly a year I felt as though I was in limbo; the shock of the breakup was so much to deal with.  One year later, I received a letter of apology from her saying how much she regretted the way things ended and how it forced her to look at herself and own up to her mistakes.  That began the slow process of writing our last good-byes to each other and closing the door on the past with no hard feelings.  I don’t know exactly when my next chapter of romance will begin, but I have faith that it will be even better and more fulfilling because of how far I’ve come.

In my life I’ve started and ended many chapters before I even knew how to articulate them.  Some are over for good, others are ongoing, and others have yet to be written.  With the groundwork of a new family business underway, I’m looking forward to this new chapter.  Stay tuned for updates on this very special project.  In the meantime, I am blessed to close this chapter of my blog and open a new one.  I’m proud of the story I’ve written so far and thank all of my readers!

PS: Part of my inspiration came from a classic song by John Lennon: “(Just Like) Starting Over”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWWbu_RSh7Q

My Christmas Present to You

Hi Everyone!

I am here with a special message for all of you; consider it my Christmas present!

As long as I can remember, the days leading up to Christmas have been a special time of remembering blessings and renewing hopes for another year.  Recently I decided that this was a time to reenforce my feelings for humanity for family, friends, and anyone I happen to meet.

The greatest gift I believe I can give to people all year is a thoughtful gesture, a kind word, or an acknowledgement of praise for something they might have done.  A very unselfish idea considering the pattern of internalized and often self-centered behavior that comes with an Autism Spectrum disorder.  I feel that was because I received so many lessons in self-esteem and was given such strong support.  I have developed this feeling that I need to share my blessings and good fortune in some way with the world in order to be truly grateful.

For me, Christmas is the pinnacle of my time of sharing my gifts with the world.  When I send a gift to someone I care about, I always want to say “As a family member or friend, you matter.  I hope that what I give you lets you know that I appreciate you, I see you, and I am glad that you are who you are”.

This is something I will be doing until my time on Earth ends.  I want my greatest Christmas gift to be a world changed for the better by my words, deeds, and presence.  No matter what happens, Christmas will always symbolize hope and humanity to me.  I wish that you may find re-energizing joy with your loved ones this December.  I thank you for your continued support here and I wish you Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas to all of you.

With Love,

Anthony

A Critical Nature

Has this ever happened to you?  Your significant other is trying on clothes that you know don’t look right.  Then they ask you “well, how do I look?”  All you can do is tell the truth as you see it.  So, you say something like “I’m sorry, this doesn’t work” and the next thing you know, you’re in the doghouse, wondering “what did I do wrong?”

Well, the problem is that it’s a common mistake made by people on the Autism Spectrum.  The mind of an aspie often thinks in very black-and-white concrete details.  They often miss the nuances of a situation which would tell a neuro-typical person to tell a little white lie to avoid offending someone else and ending up in the doghouse, as all you boys know!

This is something I’ve had to deal with my whole life.  I’ve been honest to a fault with somebody and after they responded with a feeling of offense, I’m left wondering “what did I say?”  Following my diagnosis I began to understand the patterns of my behavior.  I consider myself lucky, because some Spectrum children never even develop an awareness about their own behavior.  Having been without awareness for so long it is alternately a blissful ignorance and a painful crippling of self-esteem.  I could not imagine living my entire life that way; I’m grateful for the ability to know myself and to have the drive to continue growing in strength.

During college, I took a wide variety of classes.  Besides the literature and music courses, there were some classes that had a very enlightening effect on me; they were my psychology and communication courses and I learned a lot about human behavior which raised my self-awareness.

Communication is always a two-way street; it’s a given for people on the Spectrum and for the Neuro-Typical.  I discovered that people communicate through sets of filters based on life experiences.  These filters determine whether a person is introverted or extroverted, whether their self-esteem is low or high, how sensitive they are to criticism, and so on.  Looking at my own experiences, I’m inclined to believe that someone born on the Spectrum not only lacks certain filters that some people learn to develop, but also are born with other filters that they have a difficult time modifying.

I’ve done some critical thinking and I feel like I have an explanation on how I communicate.  Because of past bullying incidents I used to be very apprehensive about saying hello to a person at social gatherings.  My fear of how somebody would respond left me on the fringe of a party.  This fear can be traced back to the way my sensitive ears believed that my parents were yelling at me when in fact it was just a scolding.  I allude to this in my post entitled “To Sense It All”  http://lessonplanforlife.com/2012/06/30/to-sense-it-all/.

As I grew up, I discovered that I had developed a very critical way of looking at people and their actions.  If I was being critiqued on schoolwork and/or writing that I had done, I had a problem accepting even positive criticism because I felt as though it was a personal attack.  This is a problem I’ve had to deal with for a long time.  I didn’t know how to give or receive offers of friendship, so I never developed anything long-term until high school.

When I started this blog I would read my first drafts to someone and whenever they had something to say about how I could improve a post, I would become tense and agitated, thinking that their words were directed at my skills and competency.  This happened for a long time because I was so desperate to prove that I could do something right; I would not believe that I could make mistakes doing something I enjoyed doing.  Even worse, when I was urged to ask for help in or out of the classroom, I was firmly gripping the belief that asking for help was a sign of vulnerability on my part.  I needed to prove in my own way that someone on the Spectrum wasn’t helpless, and could stand on their own feet.

The folly of that way of thinking used to isolate me even more.  It was a vicious cycle of needing to be understood, but unwilling to take the positive and negative, and so I would refuse aid, leaving me more isolated.  Once again I was guilty of taking something personally.

I feel like it’s a mistake to believe that accepting any help is a sign of weakness, the only person someone should be worried about looking bad in front of is one’s self.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have my issues when creating something I’m passionate about.  What I’m asking for is for people to hear me out when I tell them who I am and what my strengths and weaknesses are.  This is part of my humanity: it’s what I am learning to accept and I can’t be anything less than who I am.

Going back to the way I looked at people and their actions, I believe that my strongest reactions would be like putting a mirror to my own insecurities and issues.  Seeing someone who had done such positive and rewarding things in their life would make me admire them, but also make me feel insecure.  For years after school I didn’t know what I wanted to do or be in life and it would just eat me up that I didn’t feel accomplished in some way.

Conversely, hearing stories about the people who got away with crimes related to theft and money for so long, and people who acted on revenge for a perceived injustice would trigger a sense of anger born out of jealousy.  Yes, I admit it, a part of me deep inside was jealous of the people who did these horrible things because I would find myself thinking “boy, how pathetic was that?  If I was in their shoes I’d do the deeds a hell of a lot differently and more discreet without the phony image and/or hypocrisy.  With what I’ve been through, it should be me!”

It has taken me a lot of soul-searching to make peace with my faults and insecurities. I have always possessed a strong sense of right and wrong and common sense; deep inside I knew that my feelings were born out of isolation and lack of significance. There are times I feel like the hero in a film noir; I attempt to do the right thing while coming to terms with my own internal demons.  Just like a film noir detective, I’m able to use my reasoning to see the shades of gray in myself and other people.  I’ve learned about the differences of each person on the Spectrum and I feel like I’ve translated that process to seeing the many sides of people, asking why they are the way they are.

One of the best ways I’ve accepted the light and dark sides of me is reading a good book and watching a well-made movie. By looking deeply at certain characters, I can learn about myself by seeing them in me, and it matters not if they’re good, bad, or somewhere in between. As I continue writing this blog, I do have the old feelings about being critiqued; thankfully, I have become more accepting of the fact. I’m definitely not as sensitive to criticism as I used to be.

Where I am today is very different from where I used to be. My social blunders are now few and far between; with fresh perspectives from different sources I’ve gained a greater awareness about how I may be perceived by others. I am now able to communicate better; I have gained a charisma and confidence that I only dreamed of years ago.  The critical, negative part of me is more under my control, and just like my Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s something I’ll be dealing with for the rest of my life. The more I speak about who I am, the more I feel like I am embracing my authentic self, and that has given me the courage and freedom to pursue my dreams. If you knew how to be your true self, how far would you go?

The Found Weekend

On a weekend in September, something really special happened.  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve tried to come up with words to describe it best, but I feel that mere words don’t do it justice.  In light of this, I can say for certain that what happened to me was…harmonic; as of now, the best feeling of connection that I have had with life.

I have had more than my share of tough times.  A few days ago I did have another bout with anxiety and momentary depression.  The first thing I did was recognize that I was in the middle of an emotional tailspin, the next thing I did was take the first step.  I remembered the blessings of an understanding family as well as the good fortune to have found an insightful counselor to work out my personal issues.  I also remembered how many good memories I possess, because I feel that when you remember the best of times during the worst, life can feel very special once again.

Let me ask you this: have you ever been so nervous and insecure that you avoided socializing, even at family events?  Did you realize how much of life you may have missed by not putting yourself out into the universe?  When did you finally step out of your comfort zone and were surprised at how good it felt?  Did something feel so right that your spirits soared incredibly high as a result?  Well, for me, all of the aforementioned feelings are ones that I’ve felt in the past and present.  Hopefully, in the future I will experience mostly the positive ones.

I first started noticing a change after I received an invitation in the mail for an upcoming family wedding.  Even as I felt the anticipation of the upcoming geek-centric magic of Comic-Con, I felt anticipation stirring for the upcoming wedding.

Around the same time, I received an e-mail about a surprise party for my uncle on the morning after the wedding.  Very quickly, the prospect of two early Fall events in one weekend made me smile even more than I usually do.  In the past, attending social events, much less two in a short period of time was not even something I would have considered because of my lack of social skills and always feeling out of place.

When the actual wedding happened, it was simply magical.  The atmosphere was vibrant from the moment I arrived. It was held in an outdoor setting, under a clear, sunny sky overlooking a picturesque vineyard.

The DJ kept spinning out an awesome mix of music; it was so awesome that I was on my feet dancing for almost the entire time!  The only time I sat down was to talk with friends and relatives.  I noticed a couple of girls who seemed to enjoy my company on the dance floor; looks like being me is really starting to pay off.  The entire affair was classy, but not ostentatious.  Things could not have gone any better; everything just felt right.

When the wedding was over, I left with several new memories and a handful of thoughtful souvenirs.  But the best part was that I left with pride, knowing that I was engaged in conversation and interaction with other people.  Years ago, I was liable to stay on the edges of a social situation, finding some way to distract myself from even talking to people by reading a book or playing a handheld game.

It took me a long time, but by becoming aware and immersed in the world around me, I have been able to break out of the shell that has contained my potential.  It didn’t happen overnight, and like someone who has achieved sobriety, it’s a daily process.

The next day was also a day of celebration.  We met in Old Town San Diego for my uncle’s birthday brunch.  I found it easy to relax and talk to other relatives who were there.  When the guest of honor arrived, we all stood up and cheered “Surprise!”  He was clearly not expecting such a warm welcome, and was happy to see everyone there.  The best part was that not only did I get to try out a new restaurant, but I was able to do so in celebration of a family birthday.

This particular weekend still resonates with me more than a month later.  Even though I have had a couple of difficult moments where my stress level was elevated and I became frustrated and angry, I was able to find a private place to lie down and breathe deeply.  As agitating and painful as my hurt and anger was, I remembered that it was only temporary.  As I was able to reflect on this memorable weekend, I was able to remind myself that good memories can save you.

I feel that it takes a lot of self-teaching to gain the confidence to remember what blessings occur with the power of good memories.  I have been fortunate enough to use them as a self-healing method when the worst of my negative feelings have passed.  That weekend had such significance because it felt so right, and the feelings are still vivid.  I know that I’ve been saved from a lot of downward emotional spirals by taking such a step.

What I know for sure is that I listened to my gut instinct when I kept replaying the weekend in my mind.  I knew that it was a memory worth holding on to, and writing down.  In all, I am grateful for the wisdom to see it and know when to write it.