I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore!

As long as you have some form of love in your life, then you’re already a winner.

Have you ever felt like your life is written in song lyrics? If so, what song is it, and why does it mean what it does? Is it about your pain or about your joy? Well, the song that best describes my life right now is the REO Speedwagon rock ballad “Can’t Fight This Feeling”. This is because I met someone very special when I least expected it. Since then, the resulting swell of emotions and feelings have made my head spin! I’ve never felt this connected to any woman before. She has become my girlfriend, and she is also much more than I ever could have imagined.

We met at a convention I was attending. There was a dance in full swing and I noticed a girl at the volunteer area table. There was something uniquely appealing about her, something attractive that radiated from within. After I introduced myself we both listened to the music that the band was playing. I noticed her mouthing the words of many American Jazz standards and my heart skipped a beat! I felt like she knew something that I thought only I knew! It was a feeling I couldn’t deny.

Within minutes I could feel my inhibitions and fears disappearing, so I took a leap of faith and asked her to dance. She knew what I was asking her because she finished my sentence with me and said yes! I felt a growth of confidence and self-esteem that I’d never felt before. My nervous tension, born out of my Asperger’s Syndrome and Social Anxiety, began to melt away as we danced and I stopped caring too much about what other people were thinking. Somehow I knew that I could trust this girl and be myself around her. I believed that she was going to profoundly change my life.

As the dance was winding down, we said good night and parted ways, but that wasn’t the end of it. Regretfully, I didn’t run into her on the last day of the convention. I felt a pang of disappointment, until I discovered, that night, that she had looked up my name on social media. I immediately responded back and established a connection. This used to be difficult for me. I didn’t think anyone would ever understand the deeper parts of me, and it used to be very hard to open up to people because I’d been hurt before and was too scared to put myself in a vulnerable position. Yet, as I began to see her more often, I found myself being more and more honest with her. She was embracing my core traits as if she had known me for years! I began realizing that we were going to enrich each other’s lives in so many ways.

We’ve been seeing each other for more than two months now. The longer we’re together, the more we discover how much we have in common. In each other’s company, we’re a safe zone of open and honest communication that enhances our trust of one another. I feel like I’ve fallen in love with my best friend! We understand each other on so many levels and have bonded over so many experiences that its like our most impossible dreams and desires have come true! I don’t feel like I’m someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, I’m just a man who’s finally learned how to be in love. She has brought a new level of joy and fulfillment to my life that I’ve never had with any other woman. We love each other wholeheartedly and our lives have become a song; and like the song says, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore“!

Today’s musical inspiration is, of course, REO Speedwagon with “Can’t Fight This Feeling“.

Random Bliss

Sometimes, you find random bliss in the most unlikely places. That recently happened when I was on DeviantArt and read the latest journal entry of an artist I follow. This woman who calls herself PixelKitties is known among some artists and pop culture geeks for being skilled with drawing and crafts, and possessing a very witty sense of humor. What was different about this journal entry was the candor, honesty, and thought-provoking words that left me speechless.

“I don’t have time, inclination or the patience to tell other people what to do or how to live their lives. Policing my own self is a full time job. I don’t want to be anyone else’s moral gendarme. All I want is to be a good person and treat others with the same respect, understanding and kindness that I want to be treated with.

I don’t deal in stereotypes or broad generalizations or beating people over the head with the cudgel of my own personal beliefs. I have faced pain and suffering and discrimination and hurt and heartache in my life-just the same as anyone. I’ve done good things and bad, brave and cowardly, honorable and self-serving. I have been there, just the same as you. And because of that, more than anything else in this world, I believe in empathy and understanding, never condemnation. My past mistakes- and they are multitude- is today’s lesson and tomorrow’s regret. I dare not judge or begrudge others for their missteps along the way.” (May 22, 2014)

Reading these words was like reading my innermost feelings. I felt a sense of grace, as if God and the Universe were showing me that I wasn’t the only one who was felt this way in their core; a reminder that I’m not alone in believing in the best of humanity. I remembered to stand in the truth of my own flaws and mistakes, and remembered that even when I was bullied, I chose to rise above the role of victim. This is important for anyone, not just someone on the Autism Spectrum. I feel like we all need to be reminded that we are not alone in our hopes and dreams. Even on days when we feel secure, a friendly and unexpected reminder can bring us extra joy and contentment. Even the simplest of words can become a gift of unexpected grace and random bliss.

Read the short, but sweet journal entry here at DeviantArt: PixelKitties’ Journal Entry

Today’s musical inspiration is favorite of mine and it’s how I feel right now: Live High by Jason Mraz

In My Life

Every day is a gift & so are the people in my life. -Anthony

People in my life have influenced me since I was born, and the impact has been good, bad, and everything in between. Truthfully, it’s often difficult for people on the Autism Spectrum to appreciate or even understand the influence others have on them; even some neuro-typical people may not realize it. What I do understand is that my outlook on life has been enriched in lots of ways. I could write many posts about all the people in my life, but it’s better for me to articulate what I know for sure through the stages of my Autism Spectrum journey.

From the time I was little to when I started community college, I experienced the highs and lows of learning to be in social situations. Where most neuro-typicals easily learn how to socialize, my social awkwardness kept me from having real friends until I was in high school. Then I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at fifteen and began to understand just how different and special I was. I owe a debt of gratitude to those people who stood in my corner and helped me to discover an important part of myself. By knowing myself better, I felt like I could devote more attention to learning how to be a true friend.

When I was in community college and I transferred to a university, my world views were honed and developed, but that’s when my classmates became something more. Years before, I didn’t know how to talk to or deal with other kids in my class; the college dynamic changed all of that. Because I had a better sense of self and maybe because I wasn’t competing for attention from the teachers, classmates became the people I practiced learning about the workplace with. Working on different projects and bouncing ideas off of each other during class helped me discover that with the right partners and the proper motivation, I could be an asset to a team.

My closest friends and family are the ones who I can open up to and trust with my life. I’ve experienced disappointment, of course. That was because I used to hold some people in such high regard that I felt let down when I learned about their frailties and mistakes. Still, I learned that there are some people I can love from a distance in order to stay away from their negativity, as well as preserve my own sanity. Sadly, there are a few people in my life who are no longer living. Even though I may have lost touch with people, or lost their presence in this world, once in a while I still remember how they made my life a little sunnier with just their presence. They may not be with me physically, but in my heart I can still feel them.

I’ve realized that every person you meet comes into your life for a reason. No matter how large or small their impact, you are changed forever. It wasn’t easy, but I learned to appreciate every person who comes into my life, because I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. The gratitude I have cannot be put into words, but to know that it’s in my heart is worth the joy, pain, relief, and grace that I’ve found with this important life lesson. Now I ask you: who’s made an impact in your life? Have you learned to be grateful, even for the negative experiences? Where are you with your own relationships? I hope that you take time to ponder that. You might experience what happened to me and discover something amazing you never would have thought possible.

Today’s musical inspiration is a wonderfully appropriate song by the Beatles: “In My Life”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zicw_dVwhfM

A Happy Valentine’s Day

As long as you have some form of love in your life, then you’re already a winner.

Hi, everyone. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day. Even though I’m no longer in a relationship, I always have hope that I will be loved romantically. I’m blessed to have loving friends and family who have supported me through good times and bad. So, celebrate the magic of love in all it’s forms with the ones you care about the most. That’s my only wish for you. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Here’s one of my favorite songs for you all to enjoy the weekend with; Sir Paul McCartney with “Silly Love Songs”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_kkp9S9a3w

Just The Way You Are

“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music”- Billy Joel

Once again, Billy Joel helps me to say what’s in my heart, and it couldn’t have happened at a better time. This will be my final post for 2013 and I’m glad I can end the year writing about love and music: two of the great cornerstones of my life. One of his most beautiful ballads is “Just the Way You Are”, and it perfectly describes how I feel about romance. This song helps me speak when words are insufficient.

Don’t go changing, to try and please me; you never let me down before. I don’t imagine you’re too familiar, and I don’t see you anymore. I would not leave you, in times of trouble, we never could have come this far. I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times, I’ll take you just the way you are. In life, there’s no guarantees, but I’ve learned to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. I can’t back out of a commitment I’ve made with someone I care for, it doesn’t sit well with me. My word is my bond and I do my best to uphold it. I’ve always felt that true love is work that shouldn’t feel like a job. There will be times when I don’t feel like communicating my feelings, but someone who truly loves me will be able to see through whatever walls I put up. Knowing that I can do the same for her is also reassuring to me.

I need to know that you will always be the same old someone that I knew. Oh, what will it take till you believe in me, the way that I believe in you? I said I love you and that’s forever, and this I promise from the heart. I couldn’t love you any better, I love you just the way you are. I’ve discovered that how a person feels about someone can change on a daily basis. But as long as you remember why you love and respect them at your core, there’s no doubt that you’ll stay close to them.

The past two-plus years have been full of self-discovery and hope for me; I look forward to sharing it all with my past, present, and future supporters. There have been many changes in my life; writing this blog has helped me understand them and remember my true self. By giving my journey with Autism a voice, I feel as though I’ve been able to provide hope and understanding about living on the Autism Spectrum. In the coming year, I will continue to shine a light on my story. I feel optimistic because I’ve found a new rhythm and there’s someone special who’s seen it in me.

I’ve been in touch with this girl for several months now. Recently, there’s been a growing chemistry and connection between us. I’ve found it easy for us to be loyal and sincere with each other, and I’m optimistic because we’ve connected on a deep level of friendship and love without even trying. This song reminds me of what I need most from a woman and what I have to offer her. As long as we remember why we’re together, we’ll have no problem being close. I’ll be proud to say to her: “no matter what, I love you just the way you are”.

My final musical inspiration for this year is, of course, Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are”. Here is an amazing live performance clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WT4A2Ox6hRM

Merry Christmas to All!

Merry Christmas with Love & Hope!

On this beautiful Christmas night, I have a special message to all who have supported me this year and all who have recently started viewing this blog. I wish you all Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. I’m grateful for your support and encouragement, and I hope your Christmas has been full of love and togetherness with your loved ones. I share with you peace and blessings for the coming year and I share with you my hope that we will grow together on our own journeys. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas with love for everyone.

Here’s a special present from me to you! It’s a beautiful rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy” by one of my favorite music groups: Pentatonix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc5qePnxg2g

Happy Christmas Eve!

“Every day is a new chance at living.”

Hi, everyone! With Christmas Eve here, I just want to take time to thank all of you who have supported me for the past couple of years. It’s true that I haven’t had any new posts in a month, but even I’m not immune to the onrush of winter holiday events. As you all carry out whatever plans you’ve made for Christmas, I just want to say Thank You for your support and energy to keep bringing my message of hope to the world. I’ll see you on Christmas day with some very special blessings. Have a great Christmas Eve. Be safe and joyful.

Love,
Anthony

Gathering Gratitude

A Happy Thanksgiving to all who have supported me!

Hello to all of my supporters! On this beautiful day, I want to wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving and many blessings to your families and friends. No matter what happens, any day that I wake up and live a fully engaged life is a great one. I hope that all of learn to feel the same gratitude that I have learned to embrace on my own journey with Autism. May we all be appreciative for what we have. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I give thanks for your continued support.

The Gift of Time

Every day is a gift.

With many holidays approaching, I’m just like a lot of people wondering about what gifts they’re going to purchase for whom. Truthfully, I have a pretty short list of people I’m closest to, but I love feeling like it’s the quality of the relationships rather than quantity. Like many people, I’ve puzzled over what to purchase as gifts. However, thanks to my growing self-awareness and my advances in intuition and empathy, I’ve learned how to give something valuable to the people on my list. What I’ve learned to give them…is time. What do I mean? Well, I mean quality time and an opportunity to connect.

There’s no denying that today, we live in an age of distraction. Electronic devices, jobs, family, and friends all compete for our attention and drive so many of us to nervous insanity; this is nothing new to me. I believe that when I was very young, my heightened sensory perception, a common side-effect of Autism, led me to being more prone to distraction and subsequent frustration afterwards.

I could see the writing on the wall, and I knew something had to be done. I knew I was different before I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at fifteen, and I wanted to explain myself, but I couldn’t. After my diagnosis, I chose not to believe that I was a “typical” case in any way. I was determined to overcome the challenges and find a way to use my gifts to embrace who I am at heart.

It hasn’t been easy or fast in coming. I had to learn a lot about patience and understanding before I gained the confidence to be present and happy with myself. Personally, I think multitasking is overrated and I couldn’t do it to save my life! By trusting the process, I learned that I was ahead of the curve when I gained a new coping skill for daily life and was better prepared when new technology and jobs made the world both more connected and more distracted. I trust such things as blogs and social media, but my life is not defined by them. For me, human connection is too precious to take for granted; I welcome all opportunities to test my ever-evolving social skills.

An added bonus I gained was an ability to be observant of people’s needs and desires and to take action with them when possible. This enabled me to buy gifts that were sincere and from my heart. I enjoy giving people a chance to reconnect and just be present with one another. Whatever the situation and relationship is, in my heart, I find a way to make it work. What matters most is that I made a difference in people’s lives and my greatest satisfaction is their gratitude and appreciation.

I’ve come a long way since my diagnosis. It’s not common for people on the Autism Spectrum to relate to “neuro-typicals” on a deep level. I have been blessed to be able to find a way to be socially competent while staying true to myself at the same time. To give something to a friend or family member that is from the heart is like being the vessel for a small blessing from God to reach the hands of someone in need. I’m blessed and grateful to give such precious gifts to those I love. For me, this is what the holiday spirit is all about.

I Can Heal the Pain

Recently, I rediscovered one of my favorite songs of all time. It’s a classic ballad sung by George Michael in 1988 and re-recorded as a duet with Sir Paul McCartney in 2006; the title is “Heal the Pain”. I love it because not only is it a beautiful acoustic love song, but it speaks to my core being as a potential lover.

The first verse is an opening up of two hearts and a reassurance that leads to the supportive first chorus. “How can I help you? (Please let me try to) I can heal the pain that you’re feeling inside. Whenever you want me, you know that I will be waiting for the day that you say you’ll be mine“.

The second verse is an inquisitive one where the singer realizes that his lover can’t see the good he is trying to do, but he’s not giving up hope. “Won’t you let me in? Let this love begin! Wont you show me your heart now? I’ll be good to you…I can make this thing true…show me that heart right now!”

The lyrics of the bridge resonate with me the most. They speak the most directly to my heart. “Who needs a lover that can’t be a friend? Something tells me I’m the one you’ve been looking for. Oh, if you ever should see him again, won’t you tell him you’ve found someone who gives you more? Someone who will protect you, love and respect you. All those things that he never could bring to you…like I do, or rather I would. Won’t you show me your heart like you should?”

Why do I love this song so much? Because the words are honest, caring, supportive, and express exactly what’s in my heart. Ever since I had my first crush, I felt something that I didn’t want to lose ever again. I didn’t know how to articulate it because I was still a child who didn’t know that he had Asperger’s Syndrome. As I grew and was diagnosed, I learned how to communicate my feelings to people who I trusted. I was blessed with a supportive environment that enabled me to get in touch with my emotions. Considering that it’s hard for Aspies to express emotions easily, especially if they’re males living in a society that teaches them that emotion is weakness, I’ve done well for myself in this respect.

I’ve had my share of difficulty with relationships in the past, but since when does a man ever get it right the first time? What I do know is that I will be a safe haven for a woman who loves herself enough to love me. I will do my damnedest to be her best friend, her strongest support, and her shoulder to cry on. I know that I was meant to be a great lover and God, it hurts to not be able to show it to someone! However, when I play this song, I remember who I am deep inside and what I have to offer to a woman. My spirits are lifted and I know that I’m exactly who I was meant to be thanks to the music and lyrics of George Michael and Sir Paul McCartney.

Today’s musical inspiration is, of course, George Michael and Sir Paul McCartney, singing “Heal the Pain”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0afIwq6QSg